If I saw you again, I don’t know what I’d say, I don’t know what I do.
I play the mental image of us meeting at times, but to me it never turns out too good.
You see, you hid me from everyone for as long as I could remember.
I wasn’t up to par with your expectations in a woman, not even close. But, I fulfilled your sexual desires while you fulfilled my desire for attention.
We passed by the hallways as we pretended we didn’t know each other, but I’d catch you staring every time I walked your way.
You tried to avoid speaking to me, and even went so far to humiliate me but I’d still trail along hoping that what I was going through would prove even a small amount of something to you.
I tried to get your attention in every way that I could, because I desperately wanted you to want me as much I did for you.
But you never did, and you never will. Because no matter what I did to have you, I’d always come out of the battle with a sore body and empty hands.
I had you moaning in pleasure weekdays after school as you were close to me like no one else was. We were as intimate as two grown people in a relationship.
But, to you this was just it. It was sex, no more and no less.
Once it was all said and done, I’d watch as you get yourself up from me and get dressed without saying a word. You’d say “alright, it’s time for you to go”.
I had looked at your naked body a handful of times, and you treated me as if I’ve never seen this part of you. You just wanted me as far away as possible from you.
You never looked at me in the eyes, or even kissed me a goodbye. It seemed like you were trying your very hardest to let this be what you wanted this to be.
I was just a “fuckbuddy” but then again, you couldn’t even treat me like a buddy.
You were too busy chasing other girls you wanted, giving love to those who you thought deserved it. While I stayed in the background and observed it all, with nothing to say.
I would swear to myself repeatedly, that enough was enough. But, every time I got that 1 am text reading “you up”? I couldn’t help but smile and think to myself maybe this time he’ll come around.
But, after much years of waiting, you never did.
I brushed your presence maybe once after those rendezvous we had at school, but you hadn’t changed. You couldn’t even stutter out a hello.
You’re trying to erase every memory you have of me, and that’s okay. That makes two of us.
I never understood why you acted the way you did, maybe you’d tell me “it was just sex”. Something you loved to tell me.
Maybe I overanalyzed things way more than I should’ve. That could be solely my fault, but I knew somehow that our story was much more different.
Because to me, you weren’t just sex. Because it never started that way. I met you even before you knew who I was, even before the shitshow that unraveled throughout high school.
You were the kid I spent most of my summer days talking to, the kid who I swore I’d give it up to.
Remember how upset you were when you realized you weren’t my first? You said you were special. And darling, believe it you were.
Because no matter the hurt you caused me, I always saw the hurt that were in your eyes. I knew your story, I knew you played this role to keep up the façade you were trying so hard to keep together.
And for that, I will never hold it against you.
But for all those girls, I saw you conquest there was I who hoped that one day she’d be conquered too.
For all the damage you did to me, it just made me want to take care of you. Sounds crazy huh?
I just wanted you to be okay before I was, because lord knows you needed it more than I did.
I hope your life is different than what it used to be, and that you finally found your happiness.
But next time we bump into each other, why don’t you come over and say “hi”?